Managing Slight Dissociation – A Day in the Life of a Neurodivergent Individual
Introduction and Personal Background
I am a highly neurodivergent individual, carrying diagnoses such as autism, ADHD, CPTSD, aphantasia, and synesthesia. Additionally, I navigate the challenges of chronic illness and chronic pain. I'm highly gifted and have been working in the embodiment and movement space since I was 13. I taught my first dance class then, and now at 53, I can confidently say that this has been my life's work.
Over the years, I've cultivated skillfulness in many associated disciplines, such as the science of trauma, fascia and connective tissue, esoteric Taoism, and other modalities for mindfulness and somatics. These skills are not just theoretical for me; they are tools I've utilized extensively to navigate my neurodivergent experiences.
In addition to the above-mentioned neurodivergent conditions, I also developed a functional neurological disorder in 2019, a direct result of a nervous breakdown. The following year, I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer, right at the beginning of the pandemic. The process of resolving the paralysis and addressing the cancer became a test case for my tools' effectiveness. I am certain that the only reason I survived cancer treatment in complete isolation, because of the pandemic, is because of these skills.
Dissociation and Its Triggers
Dissociation is a psychological process that can cause a detachment from reality or alterations in a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It is a complex phenomenon and can manifest in various ways, ranging from mild daydreaming to severe disorders like Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
Some Types of Dissociation:
Derealization: This involves a feeling of being detached or disconnected from the surrounding world, often perceiving it as dreamlike or distorted.
Depersonalization: Here, individuals feel detached from their own self and experiences, observing themselves from an outsider's perspective.
Amnesia: This refers to memory loss that can't be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. It can involve forgetting certain time periods, events, people, or personal information.
Identity confusion and alteration: These involve feeling uncertain about who you are and having a distorted sense of self. In extreme cases, such as DID, individuals might even have multiple distinct identities.
In the specific case study of this document, the trigger for my experience of dissociation was grief. It was the anniversary of my father receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis after several years of me assisting with his decline. The timing of my father's passing being close to my birthday has colored and impacted how my body understands these anniversaries. We can also add the newer body memories of my breast cancer journey to this time of year, and it is understandable that I would experience some discomfort.
Practical Interventions for Managing Dissociation
Over the years, I've developed numerous interventions to manage slight dissociation. Some of these include grounding techniques, somatic work, taking prescribed medications, using food for grounding, ritualizing grief by placing it in a physical object, allowing myself rest and sleep, and recognizing and adjusting to changes in safe routines.
The vlog series I created illustrates a day in my life, showcasing real-time applications of interventions to manage slight dissociation. This series consists of seven videos:
Morning Realization: I woke up feeling slightly dissociated. It took a moment before the cause dawned on me – it was the anniversary of my father's death, and my body was reacting with a somatic memory. This event led to the first intervention of the day: grounding techniques and somatic work. Despite these efforts, the dissociation persisted.
Interventions and Adjustments: Recognizing that the initial interventions hadn't fully addressed my dissociation, I took a prescribed benzodiazepine. I planned my first meal to be something super salty, a tactic intended to make me feel the inside of my body. I had several meetings scheduled, so I resolved to push through the day. Had I been more dissociated, I would have adjusted my schedule.
Ritualizing Grief: To help me navigate the workday, I ritually placed my grief in a worn object, a strategy that allowed me to keep my grief with me but at a safe distance. This object became a tool for emotional regulation, providing a touchpoint throughout the day.
Emotional Distance: I delved deeper into the significance of placing grief in an object and how it offered me temporary emotional respite. This object held meaning, was something I could physically manipulate, and made sounds, ensuring that even unconsciously, I could interact with it throughout the day.
Evening Struggles: Back home for the day, I found myself struggling to articulate my thoughts clearly - a sign of the toll the day had taken.
Anaphylaxis Realization: A revelation struck me. My dissociation was likely intensified by a newly developed anaphylactic reaction to peanut butter, a safe food for me. This change represented a significant disruption to my routine and safe structures, and it spoke directly to my autism.
Morning After: After a deep, restful sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed the next morning. The early night and the rest it afforded became the final intervention in this narrative.
This vlog series not only illustrates my coping strategies but also underscores the importance of self-awareness, adaptability, and patience in managing neurodivergent embodiment. And remember - if I had been more dissociated, I would have needed to adjust my schedule.
Broader Implications and Potential Strategies
This narrative serves as an exploration of how strategies can be developed and adapted to manage various forms of neurodivergence, specifically focusing on coping with slight dissociation. The process isn't linear, and it's crucial to tailor it to the individual's needs, as demonstrated by my personal journey and the interventions used.
These videos illustrate several interventions, further clarified here:
1. Somatic Awareness: Recognizing the role of the body in emotional states has been crucial in my journey. I've learned to tune into my body's signals and memories, acknowledging their impact on my present state. One set of tools that has been profoundly useful are the foundational practices of Taoist Tantra. I integrate these tantric practices into my somatic practices, because they center arousal - not just orgasm.
2. Grounding Techniques: These strategies help me reconnect with the present moment when I find myself starting to dissociate. They range from simple actions like focusing on my breath or the sensations in my hands, to more complex exercises drawn from my background in dance and movement disciplines.
3. Medication: At times, pharmacological treatments have a role to play in managing dissociation. On occasion, I need to use a rescue medication like a benzodiazepine to help manage dissociation. These are tools that work for many individuals, and I encourage us all to avoid shaming and blaming folks like me who rely on them.
4. Schedule Adjustments: Knowing when to adapt my daily routines is vital. If I'm experiencing dissociation, I might need to alter my schedule, balancing my need to function with the need to care for my mental health.
5. Ritualization and Symbolic Action: One technique I've found particularly helpful is to place my grief or other intense emotions into a symbolic object. This ritual allows me to maintain a sense of emotional distance when I need it, giving me the capacity to function throughout the day.
6. Awareness of Routine Changes: As an individual on the autism spectrum, maintaining consistent routines is crucial for my well-being. I need to be aware of any changes, such as a newly developed allergy disrupting my usual diet, and understand their potential impact on my state of mind. In this case, an inability to safely ‘close’ the somatic experience of grief with my safe food.
7. Restorative Sleep: Sleep is a powerful healing tool. A deep, restful sleep can often reset my emotional state, allowing me to start the new day refreshed and centered.
Conclusion and Future Directions
Understanding and managing dissociation, particularly for neurodiverse individuals, is a complex and personal journey. This case study, drawing from my personal experiences and strategies, provides insights into how one might navigate these challenges. It’s vital to remember that what works for one person may not work for another. It's about a continuous process of self-discovery, professional consultation, and adaptation to find what works best for you.
I hope you received benefit from this, and I look forward to our paths crossing in the future
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In Service,
Katie